Let It Go {One Year of Freedom}

"...let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us." - Hebrews 12:1 (KJV)

 **If you don't get anything else out of this post, I pray that you realize. . . you really can do all things through Christ- especially when your desire is to please Him! He will strengthen you to walk uprightly before Him.**

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Believe me when I say. . . Knowing what you need to do is very different from actually doing it. Sometimes it is difficult to do what we know is right.

That's where I found myself, in November and December of 2022. Let me take you back. . . As a single woman (just in case anybody needs clarification 😉), I was opening myself up to meeting guys and getting to know them when I crossed paths with Royal. Initially, we seemed to have quite a few things in common: faith, a desire to serve our communities, a strong love for our families, and. . . a way with words. (*insert facepalm here*)

In actuality, I had reservations on the second day (never mind: from Day 1!) of dealing with him but as time passed and we talked more, I felt like our connection was strengthened. With obvious/mutual interest and clear attraction, I was willing to see where this was headed. So I thought.

I soon realized we were on very different pages. However, I found myself almost feeling as if I needed to "prove that I could hang." (I didn't need to and I really couldn't.) Although this was a long-distance situationship, I found myself in frustrating and compromising positions. Yet, I convinced myself that I didn't know how to get out. I was basically choosing to remain in a horrible pit.

Note: We can know that something is hurting us but sometimes we choose to continue with the habit or situation because of the smallest aspect that makes us smile or feel good. At the end of the day, I had a decision to make. Was I going to choose an ego boost over salvation???

I remember multiple weeks when I would wake up feeling uneasy. I even told him. . . "I don't feel good about this. God's not letting me have peace and I'm actually feeling pretty convicted." 

None of that moved him.

As much as people say that I have a way with words, I felt like I'd met my match. Royal would come up with all kinds of explanations to try to justify the situation, convince me that I was simply overthinking, or resort to word games to get me frustrated, so I'd stop going back and forth with him.

Note: "If your search for love has stolen your reverence for God, you've made a modern-day Ba'al out of a relationship. Diamond ring into a golden calf. A god out of a man that has to borrow his breath from someone else. I suggest. . . steal back your heart." - Dangerously in Love by Jackie Hill-Perry

Dealing with Royal reminded me of a darker version of the Laura Winslow and Steve Urkel dynamic. He was determined to wear me down and his tactics seemed to be working. I allowed him to take up so much of my time and my guard was becoming nonexistent. I knew to expect a video call at five (yes- 5!) in the morning just because he wanted to hear my voice and see my face. And if I didn't answer? He never cussed me out but he definitely wasn't happy about it. 

As focused as I had been (before meeting him) on living a life that was pleasing to God and maintaining certain standards for myself, I knew I was slipping. I remember him saying to me, "You've grown a lot. . . I'm proud of your progress." I immediately felt sick. What he saw as growth, I viewed as reversion. I felt like I should have known better. I DID know better! 

I voiced my concerns, frustrations, feelings, and convictions (multiple times) but nothing really changed. I was tired, confused, and scared. There were times when I hoped and prayed he would just forget about me or stop calling. . . I knew that if the situation didn't end, it would simply get crazier.

I also knew that I didn't want to enter a new year and still be tied to this cycle. I kept feeling that if I remained in the situation, I was clearly playing with fire. And I was definitely going to be burned.

Note: People want to support you but they can only help you when you're honest about what you're dealing with.

On December 12, 2022, I had a Zoom call scheduled with a friend and client. I was working on a project for her and giving her some updates on my progress. After we discussed the work, she asked about Royal. I had previously shared some of my reservations with her but it had been a while since that conversation.

As we talked, I watched her expression shift from interest and curiosity to serious concern. She told me, "Hold on, Kara. I have something for you." She grabbed her Bible off of her bookshelf and flipped through it. 

"Can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned? Can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched? So he that goeth in to his neighbour's wife; whosoever toucheth her shall not be innocent." (Proverbs 6:27-29) I was no good! 

She continued. "I'm telling you! Don't talk to that man! He is the devil. . . Jesus, help her! She needs You! Kara. . . you need to pull yourself completely out of this situation or else you will compromise you[rself]."

And that's what I did. I tried to break the news over the phone but it quickly became a video call. I honestly didn't care because I knew it would be the last time he'd see me. He got online and tried to make puppy-dog eyes.

"Did you miss me, today? I missed you. . . I thought about you a lot. Want to know what I was thinking about?" 

"No, not really."

I continued with the purpose of my call and told him that that would be our last conversation.

"You've said this before. You'll be back." His smug expression was the nail in the coffin. If I was looking for confirmation that I made the right decision, that was it! His words let me know how much power he believed he had over me!

Not so!

I even remember him saying, "You've been acting a little different, lately. I don't know who you've been talking to and what they've been filling your head with. . ."

I told him not to even worry about it because the decision was based upon what I needed and desired- especially as someone who was striving to live according to the Word of God.

He knew his time was winding up and pulled out his very last tactic.

"I mean. . . I get that you want to sever the friendship but are you including business opportunities too? I had news that I wanted to share with you."

Business was one of the reasons why I had spent so much time talking to Royal. We both were writers and he was "working with a publishing company." He knew I worked in editing and proofreading and wanted to see if I could work with/for his associates. He also encouraged me to restructure my pricing (while conveniently never paying me for the work that I did for him.🙃)

Anyway. . . I told him, "If you know someone who wants to work with me, you can give them my contact information. However, you and I have NO reason to communicate, after tonight."

He looked like a deflated balloon but wished me well before I ended the call.

I couldn't believe it! It was really over! What?! I called my friend to let her know that the mission had been accomplished & felt like a huge weight was finally off of my shoulders!

Note: We need to let things go so that we can make room to receive what God has for us! Sometimes we do ourselves a disservice because we fight to hold on to things (and people) that God never intended for us to have. We settle instead of seeking His Will. And if you fall, know that God is offering redemption. There is hope for you.

Reliving these days and writing this out has been a lot. People have no idea exactly how much guilt and shame I felt as I was going through this situation. I remember a particular Sunday morning. I woke up- replaying a conversation and interaction with Royal that had left me speechless and disgusted. I literally felt like trash. I considered staying home from church but decided to push myself. I got dressed and looked at myself in the mirror. I almost burst into tears as I thought, "How did you end up like this? What are you doing?" I got myself together and headed to worship. I was still fighting negative thoughts as I prepared for the service but thankfully, I had a lightbulb moment.

"If you feel [bad] like this, this is exactly where you need to be!" 

The Sunday after I ended things with Royal, my pastor preached a message- "Don't Lose Your Inheritance!" You can ask the ladies around me. . . By the end of that service, I was screaming and crying- just grateful that God allowed me to live through the craziness and make a wholehearted return to Him! LESSONS (plural) had been learned! And I was grateful for another chance!🙌

I had to let go of the Scarcity Mindset that told me to keep talking to this guy because it seemed like nobody else was checking for me.

I had to let go of the enjoyment I felt from the attention I was receiving.

I had to let go of my willingness to abandon the standards that I had set for myself.

I had to let go of an underlying fear of the unknown.

I needed to receive a renewed sense of knowing that what God has for me is for me.

I needed to receive the love and attention of an all-knowing Father and Savior so that He could continue to mold me into the woman that He intended me to be.

I needed to receive a strengthened commitment to living in obedience to God/The Word.

I needed to receive an attitude of "expecting the great" as I looked for God's Will to be done in my life.

Your journey might be different. Maybe it's not a person that you need to let go of. Maybe it's a habit or way of thinking. Whatever you find is holding you back. . . YOU have to make the choice that you deserve better. Making drastic changes can be scary and painful. However, Jesus has promised to never leave nor forsake us. He will be with us! And He will strengthen us.

So while I'm embracing over a year of freedom, I also want to encourage you to embrace yours!

Some scriptures to encourage you:

Romans 5:8 While we were sinners, Jesus still chose to die for us.

Galatians 5:1 If Jesus has freed you, don't fall back into bondage.

1 Corinthians 10:13 God is faithful to provide us with an escape route whenever we're faced with temptation.

If you could use some encouragement with embracing freedom, please feel free to contact me (karalfrison@gmail.com). . . seriously. I'm praying that you will accept the love that God offers and receive all that He has for you.

Let it go!💛